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By Jed Wolpaw

That’s right, the brief beat you saw two weeks ago was not just random synaptical activity. After a summer-long period of publishing asystole marked only by occasional online issues, an orientation issue came out two weeks ago and today marks Synapse’s return to full normal sinus weekly publishing. And you know what that means. Love Dub, glued to page three like Donkey to Shrek.

For those of you new to campus, welcome. You’ve probably been told this many times over, but once more let me assure you that you can and should refer to the pages of this newspaper for all life guidance. Put down your syllabus and pick up your Synapse and let success come your way. Darya Pino’s culinary genius takes care of your diet, Sow Kabayashi’s critical palate tells you where to go out to eat and where to avoid like the plague, and we here at Love Dub make sure your love life is top notch and that if you get your 17-year-old girlfriend pregnant, you do it right before the Republican National Convention so that you get a free ticket to go appear on stage.

Here at Love Dub we aim to please, and we’re pleased to aim at whatever nagging questions you’ve been holding onto since puberty and never had the chance to ask. That’s right, we metamorphosed a bit over the summer and questions are now frequently welcomed and often published. Send questions anonymously (or not, as you see fit) to lifeaccordingtojed@gmail.com. Comments can be sent via email or left on the blog at www.lifeaccordingtojed.blogspot.com.

OK, enough of this introduction ballyhoo, let’s see what you’re asking about this week.

Dear Jed,
I’m a 26 year-old guy living here in California. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of about a year. It was my decision and I know it was the right one. I miss her sometimes but I know it could never work between us. I’ve met a few interesting girls since then but don’t feel like I have the energy to follow through – do you know what I mean? I think of all the time that went into me getting to know my old girlfriend, for us to get close and fall in love, and it’s exhausting to think of doing it again. I don’t even know where to start. I’m no young kid and I can’t stay out of the game forever but how do I get over this feeling of not having the energy to start all over? Have I lost my mojo? Thanks for your thoughts.

~Stopped And Not Starting

You may think, SANS, that just as the sans-culottes were without pants, and the guys in that movie were without a paddle, you are without a mojo or hopes of ever having another meaningful relationship. But luckily, SANS, you are wrong.

Very few people have no hope of extricating themselves from their current situation. Notice I said very few, not no one. Take, for example, Levi Johnston, the now famous boyfriend of Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol. If this guy decides not to marry Bristol Palin he’ll have Paul Wolfowitz, Karl Rove and Darth Cheney put in charge of shocking and aweing him into changing his mind.

That’s a sticky situation, SANS, and if he writes me asking for advice I think I might just send him a really fast pair of running shoes.

But you, SANS, you are in nowhere near that dire of a situation. You are in your post-breakup paralysis. Very similar to a Todd’s paralysis if you realize that a relationship is very much like a seizure, and a long relationship more or less synonymous with status epilepticus. OK, OK, I’m not actually quite that cynical…usually.

Some people get out of a relationship and have post-breakup panic. They think they are doomed to be single for life if they don’t find a new partner immediately. In fact, some people won’t even break up with their current partner until they have a replacement on hand. Like keeping a spare lightbulb in the closet, but different.

But others, like yourself, SANS, have paralysis instead of panic. It seems like such a huge undertaking to start all over. In fact, in the face of this seemingly insurmountable mount, you are not alone in worrying that you have lost something, some drive or energy, and that you are relationshippedly crippled for life.

However, this paralysis is not only temporary, it is beneficial. It is actually a sign that you have evolved beyond those post-breakup panic people. While they often end up jumping into a new unhealthy relationship, you do not. Take this time as a blessing, SANS, spend it with friends, and most importantly with yourself. Do you remember who you are when you aren’t with her? Start to figure that out, and be glad you have the time and space to do it.

Then, one day, you’ll find yourself talking to a woman you just met, and some combination of you being recovered from your paralysis and the two of you sharing a certain chemistry will leave you shocked. Why? Either because you are sitting too close to the live electric wire or because you’re feeling excited for the possibility of all those moments of getting to know each other that lie ahead, even though just a few weeks before the thought of it made your head ache.

So be patient, SANS, and be glad that you are so highly evolved. I’d write more, but I just got an email from Levi, so I gotta go buy some Asics gel’s to send his way.

Email questions to lifeaccordingtojed@gmail.com and post comments online at www.lifeaccordingtojed.blogspot.com.