Sales rep assures customers that his company’s product are superior

Alan Ripwell, salesman for Divine Biological Inc., has assured several lab managers at UCSF that his company’s lab products are far superior to those offered by competitors. According to Alan, no other company can offer pipette tips with the same glow-in-the-dark properties as Divine Biological’s, nor can others provide buffers that change colors with the seasons and give off a minty fresh fragrance when mixed with Divine Biological’s reagent grade 10x PBS (currently on sale if bought in bulk, see Alan for details).

While many lab managers cringed at the 1000 percent markup for perks that would have no influence on experimental outcomes, Alan was quick to point out that perks boost morale, morale leads to Nature papers and Nature papers lead to tenured professorships.

When asked what his best-selling product was, Ripwell was eager to mention Divine Biological’s 100 percent ethanol. He added that his ethanol is the strongest hooch this side of the Appalachian Mountains and could be offered at discounted prices because his friend has connections with moonshiners in Oregon. Said Alan, “It can be mixed with cocktail juices to celebrate a birthday in the lab, chilled and consumed in shots after getting scooped by your competitor over at Harvard, or even for productive things like science.”