Local cult hell-bent on infuriating motorists

Campus

Local biker Brad Undley shattered a personal record this morning when he broke no fewer than fifteen laws, caused five cars to swerve into oncoming traffic and still managed to get into work in less than twenty minutes. “I’m training harder every day to cause as much mayhem as efficiently as possible.  I’m studying travel routes, traffic patterns and human psychology to piss off as many motorists as I can en route to my job.”

Undley is part of an emerging sect of commuters called Bicyclists. Under the guise of striving for a healthy lifestyle and reducing carbon emissions, this new cult of anarchists seeks to introduce havoc into what is otherwise a perfectly safe and peaceful communion of human/car transportation. Undley says local outrage aimed at bicyclists who casually disregard stop signs and red lights means nothing to him. When asked to comment about the sentiment of non-bicyclists, Undley said, “Really, I find it quaint that pedestrians and car drivers expect me to follow rules written for a motor vechicle. Do you see a motor on my sweet-ass fixie? Nope. It’s just me, the bike and the hell-raising spirit of the commuter revolution. There’s no traffic law my bike and I can’t break!”

Undley and his fellow anarchists said those looking for further information on the Bicyclists cult need only to follow the sound of honking horns.