Originally published in Synapse on October 25, 2001.
Once again, the year approaches the end of October, which along with sunny days to the Sunset, brings with it many a child’s favorite time of year. No, this isn’t United Nations Day I’m talking about, it’s Halloween. Halloween in San Francisco is celebrated quite differently than in Fox Point, Wisconsin, where I grew up. For one thing, there are no kids trick-or-treating in SF. Maybe that’s because there are no children in the city, or because parents are too afraid that the kids will wind up with something awful as a “treat.”
Back in Wisconsin, we got the day off school for Halloween. We also had to trick-or-treat in the daytime since it was 1 against some city ordinance to be out too late.
Halloween in SF, as like everything else, seems to be a more adult event. Normally reasonable people use the day as an excuse to act like kids with the exception that a lot more alcohol is consumed.
In Wisconsin, a successful Halloween was measured by the stack of loot you took home. Stuff like Snickers or What-cha-ma-call-its counted double while fruit and coal counted as negatives. Whoever brought in the most candy by volume won and was admired by their peers until next year, and by dentists for the rest of their lives.
In San Francisco though, people are much more sophisticated. The success of a particular Halloween is not measured by simple material goods, the wildness of the party, or whether or not you remember Dr. Patel’s Freakish Lap Dance the next day. In SF, the quality of Halloween is in direct proportion to the quality of the costume that you wear.
When I was a wee lad, the standard getup amongst my friends was stumbling about in an old bed sheet with two uneven eyes cut out pretending you were some sort of ghost. This never made sense to me — why would long lost spirits be wearing bed sheets unless they had just been to the Laundromat?
No-sir-eee, I had to be different. My favorite costume was to go as a devil, complete with pitchfork. I’d love to walk up to someone’s door and terrify them as they opened the door and were intimidated by the awesome presence of the Prince of Darkness. Unfortunately, my false teeth would gag me, so that my target’s only fear was that a short kid wearing a suit that resembled a large red tick would vomit on their porch.
Simple costumes like those would never do in San Francisco. Over here, if you go as anything that doesn’t require a ton of thought or at least a wad of cash, you might as well be Richard Simmons.
Most people like to expose their artsy sides (as well as their not-so-artsy sides) on Halloween by putting together elaborate costumes. If, however, you lack the artistic ability to put together a 1:125 scale model of the International Space Station, you can always head to your local Wal-Mart and choose from the wide selection of latest trends in trashy costume wear.
For instance, guys can pick from Captain Kirk, Batman, Spiderman, Superman, X-Men, Jar-Jar Binks, Buck Rogers, Corporal Punishment, The Violence League, or Al Gore. Girls can also select from a wide variety of costumes including Cheerleader Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Presidential Intern Barbie, Hangover Barbie, Tree-Hugging Barbie, Chest Cavity Alien Fetus Barbie, or Al Gore.
Of course, if you don’t have money or a creative bone in your body (what are you doing in San Francisco?) then you’re mostly out of luck. Unless of course you happen to be a fat and hairy man. Then you can walk around naked through the Castro pretending to be the guy from Survivor.
What will I be doing, you ask? I shouldn’t be hard to spot, just look for the giant red tick with vomit on his shoes.
