Senior faculty member asks new faculty, “Do you even grant, Bro?”

New UCSF faculty members gathered together for the 27th annual faculty welcome reception last Friday. This year’s key speaker, Chad R. Yang, surprised viewers by forgoing the usual speech on advancing the frontiers of human medicine and instead gave incoming faculty advice on lab finance by posing the question, “Do you even grant, Bro?”

“You think you’re hot stuff because you got a seed grant from the University? Um, excuse me. Do you even grant Bro? You think your R21 will get you high fives after you’ve been here a month? Do you. Even grant. Bro? You better be granting all day, er’ry day if you want to survive,” said a shameless Yang in between selfies on the podium. “All you wannabes better rep my model like it’s pure money… Because it basically is. Assistant professors be admiring me. Full professors be hatin’ me. All of them wanna be like Chad R. Yang. hashtag GRANTLIFE, hashtag theverybest, hashtag humblebrag,” he added, while proudly holding up several of his most recent R01s for swooning assistant and adjunct faculty--and jealous senior faculty--to see. 

New faculty member Jordan Himmel was inspired by the talk. “I can’t wait to get my mad grant gainz just like him so I can go ‘round flaunting my lab wallet to all the grad students and post docs. I’m stalk--following him on facebook, Instagram, twitter, myspace, google+, academia.edu and Tinder so I never miss any of his posts, grant pics or personal life developments.”