The New and Improved UCSF?

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Welcome back students! The school has dearly missed you. Since you’ve been gone, there have been some new additions.

As you must have noticed, the school is now officially an open campus. They’ve managed to finally make the hole on the Parnassus side of campus the size of three tanks, although they have been working very adamantly and carefully not to make the progress too noticeable.

This hole has allowed an innovative form of ventilation to occur and makes the whole school feel a bit more airy. If you don’t look too hard, the hole is actually quite charming with a faint resemblance to the remains of the Pantheon.

If you’re lucky, you may even see our dear friend Karl the Fog rolling through the school. I imagine that’ll add quite the rustic mysterious feel to our UCSF ruins.

Other additions include a new gym! The location is the same but the gym is now equipped to handle higher numbers of people who enjoy smashing weights on the ground. Now with two official squat racks to curb the demand of weight smashers, the gym will soon opt to remove all speakers down stairs as the constant chorus of weight clanging has been shown to far more effectively improve people’s workouts. You can look forward to the rehearsals from Monday through Wednesday from 5 to 8 p.m. and never on Fridays.

The most phenomenal addition to our campus though has to be the Great White Wall located between the Nursing School mezzanine and the Dental School. UCSF must have decided that because we took one wall down, we needed to build another.

The Wall does a truly amazing job at confusing people on how to navigate through school as it looks as though you’re not supposed to go through. The inconspicuous doors are the same color as the wall itself, leading me to think someone doesn’t want you to go beyond them. Open the door and you may be taken to a different portal each time.

In front of the wall, you begin to question your existence. Beyond this wall is the certainty of seeing long cafeteria lines and dust infested construction. Is it telling me to stay behind and turn around? Is it telling me to work longer? Has the school finally found a method of trapping us on campus?

On the brighter side...

The wall has been doing a fantastic job at controlling lunchtime traffic. While hindering the dental students and faculty, the wall allows others to shave seconds off their Leaf and Ladle wait. In a sense, they’ve learned that heavy doors are just not enough!

Have something to rant about? Please send suggestions to — or comment on our social media pages and website. Together, we can find the ray of light in the clouds of higher education!