Ode to a Code Blue

Monday, October 14, 2019

My first day on rotations was your last day on earth.

This morning when you woke up, did you think it might be the last time?

I hope you had a nice breakfast.

Did you hear the nice ED doc’s words? Were your last conscious memories ones of being reassured/comforted?

I know I felt better when he looked at me and said “Katie? Welcome to the team.”

The team that was meant to save your life.

I find it strange that I knew your vitals, chem-7 and acid-base status but not your name.

Were your last moments stolen dignity or involuntarily surrendered intimacy?

Is this how I rationalize it to myself?

And what do I do now?

Am I left to grapple with the realities of death or am I meant to turn around and attempt to appreciate a world you are no longer a part of?

Maybe I don’t want to come to a conclusion. Maybe it will only come down to heartlessness or melancholy.