Recipe for A PhD Student Thesis

Monday, January 25, 2021

Serves: 1 Thesis Committee

Time: 4-7 years


Just when you thought you had exhausted the quarantine home cookbook, here is a recipe you may have forgotten.

This dish has been a classic in academia for decades – and while a crisp Fuji apple adds a modern accent, the essentials have remained unchanged.

The recipe requires patience and long hours, but the end result is an artisanally-charred masterpiece that you’ll be serving up to yourself and your roommate long past the end of stay-at-home orders.



Overly scholastic abilities (3 lb)

Luck (1 tsp)

Good grief (6 stalks)

Grit and toil (1 ton, 1:1 mix)

Apple (1 Fuji)



1. Peel apple while heating scholastic abilities over low heat in a small pot.

2. Stir occasionally.

3. Dump grit/toil into the pot and stir for 4 years.

4. Sprinkle in occasional encouragement and conflicting advice, between stirs.

5. Realize that you should have used a bigger pot.

6. At the end of year two, bring to a boil and lower to simmer.

7. While simmering, begin to steam good grief.

8. Throw apple at the wall.

9. Curse in language of preference.

10. When sauce smells fragrant with the scent of publication, remove from heat. Otherwise, reduce sauce until thickened.

11. Serve grit-toil over steamed grief. Season to taste with luck... wait, you were supposed to add that at the beginning.