This Date in UCSF History: When ‘Synapse’ Let Itself Lie (Just for Fun)

From time to time, Synapse has given itself permission to misbehave. These April Fool’s stories wink at journalistic rules, blur fact and fiction, and dare readers to believe just long enough to laugh. Yes, they bend the norms of a serious student newspaper — but only for the fun of it. Consider this a brief, good-natured suspension of credibility, offered in the spirit of campus humor, shared jokes, and the enduring relief of not taking ourselves quite so seriously.

APRIL 1, 1982: 

• Computer cards used as toilet paper. UC officials are recycling unused computer data cards for use in the hundreds of toilet paper containers across the campus. “Who’s gonna notice the difference, anyway?” shrugged Vice-Chancellor Ivehadenuf, who directs the UCSF Office of Commodes and Computer Technology. “The old toilet paper was so rough that NASA had tested it for heat tiles on the Space Shuttle, and the computer cards work better ‘cuz they folk, spindle, and mutilate so readily.” 
• UCSF video game nuts nabbed: One dozen UCSF students were suspended Monday after investigations r revealed they were dumping all their financial aid money into Millberry Union’s Pac Man, Tempest Asteroids and Defender. 
• Slow Moffitt elevators declared health hazard. The CaIOSH decision came after several human forms in various stages of rigor mortis were discovered when elevators number one, three, and five finally reached the sixteenth floor after a two-and-a-half year journey.
• Reagan to cut all federal financial aid. When asked how he thought the administration could escape scathing criticism from the press and major losses of important middle class votes, the President replied, “Nobody tells me what to do. I’m Bonzo, dammit.”
• Reaction to giant cash register. “Fantastic luck,” noted Director of the Office of Grants and Contracts Meg A. Bux. “Now, every time UCSF gets some patent money from its cloning experiments, we’ll ring it up on the cash register and make a deposit in front of the student body. That’ll teach ‘em where the future of medicine lies!” 

APRIL 1, 1987:

• New puppet hospital. The newest wing on Moffitt Hospital has been solely dedicated to the delicate art and science of puppet surgery. Seen here is ‘ Mr. Potatohead after cosmetic surgery. Next in line are Howdy Doody and Pinocchio. The new wing, along with UCSF’s Penguins With Kidney Stones Center, makes this campus truly one of the frontrunners in modern medical breakthroughs.
• UCSF elevators win neat national award. the elevators at UCSF have pioneered the concept of the “multiple permutated floor visit.” In most elevators, as is well known, there is a simple, direct relationship between the number of the button pushed, and the floor at which the elevator stops. But at UCSF, this relationship has been replaced by an extremely complicated mathematical formula, which generates a constantly varying output for a constant input. In other words, the number on the button pushed cannot be used to predict where the elevator will go (or indeed, whether it will go anywhere at all). 
• UC-Lake Tahoe or bust: regents. In a stunning move, the UC Board of Regents has approved UCSF’s request to move its campus to Lake Tahoe in order to reduce stress among the students. 
• New drug howling success. A new drug, still in the experimental stage, erases all pain from any cause. This is a great breakthrough in human suffering; however, it will be at least two years before it is ready to go on the market. The only side effect so far noted in animal experimentation is that the subject grows a great deal of hair and howls at the full moon. 

APRIL 1, 1991:

• Attitude transplant unit inaugurated. According to Dr. Stanley Highlck, the unit chief, “It’s an extremely delicate technique using a combination of microsurgery, computer software and a cosmetic makeover. They undergo 24-hour brain surgery, during which an organic Nintendo unit is implanted into the patient’s personality center in the frontal lobes. This is followed by a two-month rehab program where patients repeatedly write on a blackboard what they must stop doing.” 
• David Lynch reveals plans for “Laurel Heights” show. Even as his television series “Twin Peaks” is apparently falling by the wayside, media wunderkind David Lynch is rushing a new show into production, named after the San Francisco neighborhood in which it is set: “Laurel Heights.” Much like the critically acclaimed black-comedy series set in the Pacific northwest, “Laurel Heights” will follow the relationships of a large cast of exotic and quirky characters.
• Campus mystery solved at last. Bear was hiding from crazed ex. Why was Mrs. Bufano Bear covered by a nondescript dropcloth for several months? Police revealed yesterday that she had been threatened and was attempting to elude an estranged lover, employed as a statue at another institution. He Is now in custody.
• Monday classes cancelled. With UCSF facing an ongoing budget crisis, Chancellor Julius Krevans announced that starting today, Monday classes would be cancelled until further notice.

April 1, 1992:

• Brown will succeed Gardner as UC President. The Board of Regents, meeting in secret session at the Irvine campus March 21, voted 21 -4 to offer the presidency of the University of California to former Governor Jerry Brown, conditional upon his withdrawal from the race for the White House.
• UCSF’s Charles Wilson Neurosurgeon named co-host of “Wayne’s World”. Teenagers were surprised to learn that Garth’s replacement on the show would be none other than world-famous neurosurgeon Charlie Wilson. Wearing a tie-dyed heavy metal T-shirt and explaining his latest trans-sphenoidal technique, Wilson appeared to fit right in. Interviewed after taping his first episode, the surgeon-turned-star said, “Heck! After taking out parts of people’s brains with my bare hands, this was a piece of cake! I hardly even had to wear gloves. Besides, Wayne’s mom makes a great peach cobbler.”
• McDonald’s enters healthcare field. The “McClinics” will be modeled after the company’s highly successful restaurant chain, which has featured fast service, well-scrubbed counters and perky staff. 

April 1, 1993: 

• When Sweets Turn Sour Girl Scouts arrested outside Millberry Union Arrest. The “Parnassus Four” were charged with violating San Francisco’s new aggressive panhandling law, ratified by voters in the November elections. Millberry Union director Al Minvielle said the girls “just went too far” in pushing the cookies on passers-by. 

April 1, 1994: 

• Monkey Boy on the Run. “Willard” Goes Wild. A high-powered experiment in the UCSF animal labs went frighteningly awry March 28 as one of the “guinea monkeys” was administered too high a voltage in his electrodes. For the past two days the monster, previously known as Willard, has been on the loose in Health Sciences West. 
• Ancient Costanoan Artifacts Unearthed in Saunders Court. Construction workers plumbing the depths of Saunders Court have stumbled over a treasure trove of Costanoan artifacts that local anthropologists are calling “the find of the century.” However, UC construction workers are terming them “a pain in the butt,” as their work may be put on hold for up to two years. The relics found to date include two primitive wooden masks, a clay oven, a primitive wooden toilet, various kitchen implements including a spoon and colander, a primitive wooden saxophone, and a four-foot tall golden idol with glowing red eyes. 
• New Admissions Policy to Emphasize Truth. Under the new policy, students will be more apt to acknowledge that they never did have a life. Under the old admissions system, students frequently had items on their applications like “Philanthropy Chair, Delta Delta Delta Sorority. Responsible for saving the lives of small waifs who live under bridges in rural America.” Admissions officers recognize the unquestionable poetic beauty of such statements; they have also come to see that people with such records are more apt to tell future patients, for example, ‘That goiter makes your necktie stand out nicely.’ 
• UCSF investigators find new uses for Prozac. Other uses Neif and Tripp suggest for Prozac include hang nails, muscular dystrophy, migraines, fear of snakes, and tooth decay. Asked how one drug could have such broad effects, Neif replied, “It’s a magic bullet for everything. How? Who cares?”

April 3, 1997: 

• Synapse Nominated For Pulitzer Prize. Synapses “Joe Klein” was nominated for a controversial series of articles about nonfunctional water fountains in both Moffitt Hospital and the Clinical Sciences building. The series highlighted the potential dangers of dehydration and hypernatremia among hospital patients.
• Mega-merger May Include Harvard, Johns Hopkins. The three medical schools will divide the teaching responsibilities evenly, such that each school will be able to lay off two-thirds of its teaching faculty. Though some concern has been expressed regarding the effectiveness of teaching such classes as anatomy via satellite, the cost effectiveness of the plan has far outweighed any expressed concerns. An effort will be launched by UCSF administrators and publicists lo begin referring to UCSF as “UCHH,” short for “University of California, Harvard, and Hopkins.”
• Class of ’00 Gets Board Exemption. A professor of anatomy had similar praise for the MSII’s. “They’re so much better than this year’s entering class, which is totally lame. Class of 2000 rules!” Opinions among the second year students varied. Brianna Enrique/, was disappointed with the NBME’s decision. “It’s bad enough that this fluffy school is Pass/Fail,” she said. “Now I can’t even rely on the boards to demonstrate how much smarter I am compared to the rest of my class. I hope this doesn’t affect my chances for those neurosurgery residency programs.”

April 1, 1999:

• “Rock Star,” “Dork” Genes Identified.  Individuals who inherit the recessive form of the gene at the RR2112 location of Rock Star gene site on the X chromosome, tend to develop a higher resting metabolism, lower body fat content, and an overall lack of body hair (particularly back hair) during puberty. The team chose the name “Rock Star Gene” when they realized that possession of the gene was also correlated with a notable lack of male pattern baldness. Most difficult of all for the investigators was finding the spot on the chromosome where the much hypothesized “Dork Gene” resided. The team located it at the gk4LF spot on the chromosome. “Some people, it turns out from our research, are just congenital dorks,” reports the doctor. “There’s nothing they can do to change that fact.” 
• Disney Makes UCSF-Stanford Acquisition Bid. Plans for the Parnassus campus include blowing up the old UC Hospital building — at midnight, December 31, 1999, to maximize publicity — followed by the construction of a theme park called “Health World.” 

April 1, 2000:

• School of Medicine Unveils New Graduation Requirements. Many students eventually lost interest in aspects of their lives they once considered important, causing the authors of the study to wonder whether medical training results in a lowered sense of morale and whether it may actually interfere with students’ abilities to relate with patients. In order to graduate, students must fulfill a 20-hour sports/physical fitness requirement, a 20-hour arts/humanities requirement, and a 20-hour community service requirement. 
• Paper Jams Traffic on Parnassus. High winds on Monday afternoon tossed the pulpy giant from the Outer Sunset towards UCSF, where it blocked traffic and flattened spring gardens before making its way over to Market Street. Authorities traced the wad’s origins to a construction site near 46th Avenue where the owners had just purchased a pre-fabricated dwelling. After taking their new home out of its wrapping, they bundled up the excess paper and tossed it in the front yard where a stiff wind grabbed hold and took the big wad awandering. As UCSF employee Michael Alvarez said, “That’s the biggest ass piece of paper I’ve ever seen.” That it is, Michael. That it is.

April 1, 2006:

• Ambien’s Unexpected Side Effects. One particularly intriguing case involved a man in Texas who took Ambien and after falling asleep, believed he was president of the United States. Five years later, we’re all praying he wakes up soon.
• UC Sells Mission Bay to State Prison System. “This is a fantastic day for the people and the prisons of California,” enthused Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Once we get the 20-foot-high wall built around the campus and make a few modifications, Mission Bay will take a proud place in the state prison system.” UC officials said budget pressures forced the move. 
• UCSF Crunches Numbers, Decides to Sell Name. Beginning next year, the university will be known as: Doritos Presents: UCSF! The solution came to a group of senior UCSF administrators and faculty as they were enjoying a pleasant evening outing last summer at SBC Park (now AT&T Park). 
• Democrats Announce New Campaign Strategy: Cooperation. Democrats moving into Republican offices. Democrats claim that this new era of unity will help them regain seats in Congress and that political unity with the Republicans will make the political process more efficient. Pelosi and Lee also signed the agreement and stipulated that they hope that their past critiques of the president can be forgiven. No major comments have been issued by the Republicans, as they have been stunned by this new groundswell of support from the Democrats. Insiders on Capitol Hill are unsure how to react to reports of Democrats moving into Republican offices. 

April 1, 2007: 

• UCSF Wins Grants to Implant Spines in Democrats, Study Governor’s Political Muscle. “The lack of a backbone is seriously damaging the Democrats,” a UCSF spokesman said. “We think we can help.” Surgeons say the risky surgery could pay off. If successful, the Democrats might be able to stand on their own two feet again, after a prolonged period on their knees. 
• Free Oto-ophthalmoscopes for Next Year’s Medical Students. Critics of this proposal say that incoming students would not even know how to spell oto-ophthalmoscope, let alone know how to use one. 

April 1, 2008: 

• Why Is Synapse So Sexy? The assessment of attractiveness was conducted in a double blind fashion where sight-impaired members of the community were invited to score participants. A Synapse Editor and blogger who wishes to remain anonymous lest she get mobbed by her hometown (Arcadia) or paraded around by her undergraduate institution (Harvard) said, “Nothing screams ‘sexy’ more than a healthcare professional who has a way with words. It’s no small wonder that Synapse editors may be some of the sexiest creatures on the planet.” 
• 2008 Diet of the Year. It all starts with a little animal called Cestoda. It turns out that this friendly little creature loves to eat and is more than willing to eat all your food for you! All you have to do is swallow it and it will just eat up all your extra calories, leaving you free to eat whatever you want without gaining a pound!
• MS1 to Campaign for Dean of Medical School Position. His platform hinges on a single issue: free lunch for all medical students every day of the week. According to his website, the medical student free lunch initiative and other budget shortfalls can easily be supported by increasing pharmaceutical company access to the medical students. He proposes allowing pharmaceutical representatives into the medical school lecture halls in the breaks between lectures to recruit students for a fee.

April 1, 2010: 

• Student-Friendly Improvements Planned for Library. The Teaching and Learning Center will have a designated napping space consisting of racks of beds stacked on top of each other, much like Japan’s famed capsule hotels. 
• Zombies Spotted at UCSF! Speculation has mounted that the wandering zombies are the cadavers that UCSF medical students work on. These lost souls are doomed to wander the hallways of UCSF, never finding peace. Either way, it is a bloodcurdling turn of events to think of zombies wandering the hallways of this university. We suppose it’s possible the persons spotted could be the custodial staff.
• UC Regents Declare the “Mission Bay Experiment” Over. Vice Chairman Sherry Lansing echoed Gould’s sentiments. “There are hardly any real doctors at Mission Bay. We gave the scientists their chance, but we expected more in return.” Various ideas have been proposed for the disposal of the property including donating it to Burning Man, allowing the UCSF Psychology department to use it to conduct an extended repeat of the Stanford Prison Experiment, or renting it out for methamphetamine synthesis.
• UCSF and Stanford Selected to Introduce World’s Newest Sport: Trampoline Racing. When asked why he had picked Stanford and UCSF to field the teams, Larry Page, co-founder of Google, Inc., explained that the presence of medical schools on both campuses had been the deciding factor: “In its infancy, this will be a dangerous sport with many injuries; having a large number of trained medical personnel present will keep fatalities to a minimum.”